Working Too Much Can Burn You Inside-Out

📍Ximending, Taiwan

Have you ever asked yourself "am I happy right now?" Because lately, this question has been in my head and it's driven me crazy. If you follow The Equinox Fashion Instagram @thequinoxfashion, you may notice that I don't post regular as usual. Why? Not only I've taken Instagram as the creativity platform to show my style and 'voice' But I also don't have a proper time anymore. Currently working as a branding and marketing consultant of my own, I work 7 days a week, non-stop...Being my own boss is not easy as I thought it was supposed to be, however, I love the challenge. Everyday, my pressure goes up, and doesn't seem to stop. To the point that I think working too much is killing me inside-out.

I have had an issue of joint dysfunction, which got me going to the physical for other 6 weeks straight, therefore I can't walk or do stuff as fast as I was. Plus, my work is relates to more than 5 social media handles,including marketing work to increase more sales. I don't know about you, but if I can complete the goal, it burns me out deeply. Lately, the sales have dropped, and I've been trying to figuring out the new strategy, which no matter how hard I try, the result is still the same...

I was lying down on my bed, with all the problems inside my head, including personal stuff, you know I can't continue living like this. I am not a perfect person, therefore I can't please everyone at a time. Work, personal, family matter, everything is involving in my life right now, and it is super difficult for me to fight against the obstacles. However, I think working too much somehow has changed be to be another person who has a really high ego and doesn't really care about others. When I had a time to reflect, of course I grow so much to the consultant level with people to co-working with. Managing all the projects, with the high expectation of myself and so do clients. However, it as also brought me to the another world of arrogant and too much self-confidence. The way I treated people was like I thought they had to follow me, or else they could just leave. 

I kept everything inside my chest, and it was killing me softly day by day. I felt like carrying a heavy weight on my shoulders, and just didn't want to give it to others, as I thought I could handle, yet I couldn't. I didn't realize how all of these weights secretly ate me alive. The way I spoke to others, the words I used were pretty much disgusting. My patience level was so low that I chose not to tolerate with anything. 

However, my eyes were opened when I was to lose something so precious that I might not be able to find anywhere else. The pressure I had inside was affecting me when I spoke. All of the words I said hurt the feelings with no intention. That's why I've decided to be more opened from now on. I thought I was opened enough, but that wasn't even closed to the word 'open' at all. I shut myself down for years. I hid my true feelings. I only did what I could to make people happy, without considering how I felt. I numbed all of my feelings inside just to avoid the reality. I ran away from myself so that I could live by. "Just numb it" said to myself. 

I want to destroy all my walls down, and I will. I wanna be happy like everyone else. I want to let a certain people in my life with no hidden feelings. And I try my best to let myself out again.